Feminine Follies

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine earlier today about how she searches for femininity through male attention. I was a little surprised by this on some level, I think; this friend is a beautiful, strong, powerful, independent woman, and I value her for those traits. It surprised me that she searched for that attention and validation through men.

So it got me thinking about how I define my own femininity, and about how I validate it. My methods are inherently different; as a lesbian, I don't seek male attention. But I am, in some ways, feminine; where do I find this and affirm it?

My friend's comes from interactions; can mine? Do most women find interactions and relationships to be the source of their sense of femininity? I feel that my girlfriend to be far more feminine than I am. Flirting with other girls can sometimes leave me feeling more feminine, sometimes less; not definitely feminine or not. Relationships don't seem to hold the key.

I am not someone who enjoys getting dressed up in make-up and heels and dresses with sparkly shiny things; I find those clothes to be more oppressive than beautiful. I don't wear makeup, and I don't tend to shave my body hair. I don't do anything special with styling my hair, and I don't care terribly if it gets tangled or has clay in it after I've been in the Studio all afternoon. So, again, my physical appearance is not a source of my femininity.

The times when I feel most feminine, I think, is when I am in nurturing roles. I am in school studying to be a teacher. I am a tutor in the community, I work with children. My girlfriend and I are the "moms" of Juniata's LGBT community. We invite friends to our room, give them tea, take care of them when they're sick, stressed, stretched too thin, needing a sounding-board. We "adopt" freshmen (and sometimes upperclassmen!) who sort of "arrive" to us, and we take them under our wings. We care for people, help them, when we can. This is simply because of the way I was raised -- my mother was an active participant in community service all through my childhood, as was the rest of my family -- but caring for people seems to be the only time I feel particularly, stereotypically "feminine". And I'm okay with that.

I do think that we have a bigger question here, however; for me, it's fine; I can take care of a little kid with the sniffles and feel girly. But what about the girls who feel girly when they're getting hit on at a party? What about the girls who aren't considered as attractive because they don't fit into the box, and so they don't get asked to dance? What about the girls who can't feel girly without a man there to give them that femininity? Is there a way we can break out of our boxes?