Feminine Follies

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine earlier today about how she searches for femininity through male attention. I was a little surprised by this on some level, I think; this friend is a beautiful, strong, powerful, independent woman, and I value her for those traits. It surprised me that she searched for that attention and validation through men.

So it got me thinking about how I define my own femininity, and about how I validate it. My methods are inherently different; as a lesbian, I don't seek male attention. But I am, in some ways, feminine; where do I find this and affirm it?

My friend's comes from interactions; can mine? Do most women find interactions and relationships to be the source of their sense of femininity? I feel that my girlfriend to be far more feminine than I am. Flirting with other girls can sometimes leave me feeling more feminine, sometimes less; not definitely feminine or not. Relationships don't seem to hold the key.

I am not someone who enjoys getting dressed up in make-up and heels and dresses with sparkly shiny things; I find those clothes to be more oppressive than beautiful. I don't wear makeup, and I don't tend to shave my body hair. I don't do anything special with styling my hair, and I don't care terribly if it gets tangled or has clay in it after I've been in the Studio all afternoon. So, again, my physical appearance is not a source of my femininity.

The times when I feel most feminine, I think, is when I am in nurturing roles. I am in school studying to be a teacher. I am a tutor in the community, I work with children. My girlfriend and I are the "moms" of Juniata's LGBT community. We invite friends to our room, give them tea, take care of them when they're sick, stressed, stretched too thin, needing a sounding-board. We "adopt" freshmen (and sometimes upperclassmen!) who sort of "arrive" to us, and we take them under our wings. We care for people, help them, when we can. This is simply because of the way I was raised -- my mother was an active participant in community service all through my childhood, as was the rest of my family -- but caring for people seems to be the only time I feel particularly, stereotypically "feminine". And I'm okay with that.

I do think that we have a bigger question here, however; for me, it's fine; I can take care of a little kid with the sniffles and feel girly. But what about the girls who feel girly when they're getting hit on at a party? What about the girls who aren't considered as attractive because they don't fit into the box, and so they don't get asked to dance? What about the girls who can't feel girly without a man there to give them that femininity? Is there a way we can break out of our boxes?

Chapstick Woes

Today in class we discussed the implications for not fitting in the "box" for gender ideals, and about the institutional factors putting us and keeping us in those boxes. When we were discussing gendered advertising and the various chapstick / lipgloss / lipstick options for women, I posed a question; what happens to the individuals who do not buy what has been marketed to them? If women, as we posed in class, are "obliged" by the industry and by societal demands, to buy at least seven or eight different tubes of lipstick, and the newest, prettiest colors and styles of clothing.... what does actually happen to the women who use free promotional chapstick from Social Security like the tube I used in class today? What happens to the women who only own the one tube of lipstick? What happens when we do not buy the new pretty clothes? What happens to me?

A few days ago in class, we discussed one potential outcome for people who do not fit into the "box"; their sexuality is brought into question. This can be a serious concern for some individuals, leading to social and/or physical harm. But there are many more implications to this as well. I explored another aspect of these implications; now that my little sister and I are both away at college, we don't see each other often. Much of the time we do get to see each other, I'm catching up on readings and sleep, and she's socializing. Over the summer, we both work full-time. So when we get the chance to socialize, it's for a few hours in an afternoon, and what do we do? We go shopping. We do this, I am convinced, because we have been socialized to do this. We do this because my sister likes to look at clothes (at our parents' house, she has a closet which would take up most of my dorm room, it seems) and she likes to buy clothes for herself. We go out shopping, and we look at things. I hardly ever buy something new, and she sometimes does. But this is how we bond, how we spend time together. She finds it easier to take the time to shop than to take the time for a hike down the canal or a trip to the movies or a meal together somewhere in town. And that's fine, on some level; but it still remains that I have to go shopping. If I do not spend that time shopping, it is not my sexuality that is called into question, but my relationship and friendship with my sister.

This is not the only relationship that can be injured by these rules. Friendships, partnerships, marriages, parent-child relationships.... all of these have gendered roles that we are required to play. So my question remains: what happens to those of us who don't fit in the box? Who does fit? Why do we still let this effect who and what we are?